I’m not kidding. Put it down. Right this second. Don’t MAKE me come over there.
I have to say right now that I first saw a couple of these (oh dear god, the jumpsuits) on What Not to Knit. I was suitably horrified, and left it at that.
But one of my friends and loyal readers, BooBear, emailed me the eBay site of this woman, Isobel the Mohair Knitter.
Really. I wish I could make this up.
Up first? It doesn’t seem too bad. Why, it’s a big green fuzzy sweater! It looks warm, almost makes me want to take a nap in it. Mmm, warm and fuzzy on a cold winter’s day.
What’s that next? Why, it’s a sweater dress. In a wonderful shade of hot pink.
There seems to be a little something off about this, though. There’s horrible tapering at the feet. The model’s hands are obscured, as well. That’s not so bad, I like long sleeves that help keep my hands warm. But, um, isn’t she missing a little something? Like most of her face?
Honestly, I usually just get a separate scarf, so I can take it off if I get hot inside somewhere. At least this way, you know you won’t lose it.
Well now, what’s this? Bad tapering-check. Odd face swallowing neckline-check.
Hideous mutant tentacle hiding sleeves-che…wait a second. And, is it just me, or are those sleeves PUFFED at the top? Or, what would be the top if they were in any way proportionate to the rest of this woman’s body? Look closely, you can see the line right above where her wrists would be. Y’know, if she were human. And had wrists.
Okay, let’s move on. Quickly. Before Tentacle Girl unwraps all that extra sleevage and starts getting any ideas.
Oh, here’s something charming. Mohair stockings.
Though, um, if they’re modeled by the same woman who models everything else her, she had better legs. Thinner legs. I wonder if there’s anywhere on there that actually says how many inches those things are adding to her thighs.
Keeping up the orange trend, here we come to that perennial wintertime favorite, the Balaclava. Traditionally it’s a sort of hat/hood combination that keeps your head and neck warm.
This person is either really really cold, or is waiting for Zed to put him back in his trunk.
Considering that I’m saving some of the horror for another post, what can I do to wind things up here?
How about a little all-in-one action? Sweater. Mittens. Face obscured.
And far be it for me to suggest that your bottom not match your top!
I think these pictures could be used by intelligence operatives to get rogue crafters to talk.
“Don’t want to tell me where you got the fiber, eh? We’ll just see about that. Hugo, bring out Big Blue”
“No! Not Big Blue! Anything but that!”