This just…it…what do you say about this? I can’t find the proper words to describe quite how this makes me feel. I really have to just take Nancy Reagan’s advice with this one and just say no, since all my other words keep getting all tangled up, in their bid to be the proper description.
There are oh-so-many things that seem like a good idea at the time.
Like this. “I know, I want something that is big and warm and cuddly for those times when I just feel like I need a hug. But I’ll leave out the midsection, for those days when I’m bloated, and don’t need any added pressure there.
I give you, the PMS sweater.
Up next is a kicky little vest that…well…words are escaping me. I’m sure it’s very easy to make, except I’m not sure what side joins to which. Which ends are seamed-shoulders or sides?
Somehow, I think the answer is too complex for me right now.
This? This is for those pesky in-between-weather days. When you want to show off your arms in a tank top, but it’s not quite warm enough to justify it.
I’d also like to point out that those side holes off the shoulder? If she has her hands down and leans over, you will be able to wave to friends standing on her other side. Wear a bra you’re proud of with this one, ladies. Trust me on that.
The latest in holiday fashion.
This? This will cover up any sort of weight faux pas, from overindulging in fruitcake to that lost weekend you spent with that guy who sort of looked like a Backstreet Boy 4 months ago, and man, you really wish you’d gotten his number, because you’ve got quite a little holiday surprise for him.
You may remember this from the Spring ‘o5 Issue of Knitty.
I’ll be honest. When I wear a cardigan, it’s for two reasons. Cold arms. And cold shoulders.
Somehow, the fattiest part of my body, the part right around my heart where there is the best circulation? Doesn’t really need that much help in the heating department.
My other issue? WTF is up with those arms? Does she look like Popeye underneath there? Is that the reason for all the excess fabric?
Inquiring minds want to know.
I’m not kidding. Put it down. Right this second. Don’t MAKE me come over there.
I have to say right now that I first saw a couple of these (oh dear god, the jumpsuits) on What Not to Knit. I was suitably horrified, and left it at that.
But one of my friends and loyal readers, BooBear, emailed me the eBay site of this woman, Isobel the Mohair Knitter.
Really. I wish I could make this up.
Up first? It doesn’t seem too bad. Why, it’s a big green fuzzy sweater! It looks warm, almost makes me want to take a nap in it. Mmm, warm and fuzzy on a cold winter’s day.
.
What’s that next? Why, it’s a sweater dress. In a wonderful shade of hot pink.
There seems to be a little something off about this, though. There’s horrible tapering at the feet. The model’s hands are obscured, as well. That’s not so bad, I like long sleeves that help keep my hands warm. But, um, isn’t she missing a little something? Like most of her face?
Honestly, I usually just get a separate scarf, so I can take it off if I get hot inside somewhere. At least this way, you know you won’t lose it.
Well now, what’s this? Bad tapering-check. Odd face swallowing neckline-check.
Hideous mutant tentacle hiding sleeves-che…wait a second. And, is it just me, or are those sleeves PUFFED at the top? Or, what would be the top if they were in any way proportionate to the rest of this woman’s body? Look closely, you can see the line right above where her wrists would be. Y’know, if she were human. And had wrists.
Okay, let’s move on. Quickly. Before Tentacle Girl unwraps all that extra sleevage and starts getting any ideas.
Oh, here’s something charming. Mohair stockings.
Though, um, if they’re modeled by the same woman who models everything else her, she had better legs. Thinner legs. I wonder if there’s anywhere on there that actually says how many inches those things are adding to her thighs.
Keeping up the orange trend, here we come to that perennial wintertime favorite, the Balaclava. Traditionally it’s a sort of hat/hood combination that keeps your head and neck warm.
This person is either really really cold, or is waiting for Zed to put him back in his trunk.
Considering that I’m saving some of the horror for another post, what can I do to wind things up here?
How about a little all-in-one action? Sweater. Mittens. Face obscured.
And far be it for me to suggest that your bottom not match your top!
I think these pictures could be used by intelligence operatives to get rogue crafters to talk.
“Don’t want to tell me where you got the fiber, eh? We’ll just see about that. Hugo, bring out Big Blue”
“No! Not Big Blue! Anything but that!”
It’s not so much that it’s asymetrical. Asymetry is nice. I have some skirts with asymetrical hems. I am not down on asymetry.
What I am down on, however, is when it looks not like it’s on purpose, but because you couldn’t quite get the pieces to match up. And rather than block them forever, or, y’know, remake it the right way, they said “To hell with it, I’m cold now”. Seamed it up, slapped on that novelty button that’s been in the back of the sewing box forever, and went out to face autumn.
It’s winter time again! Time to go dig out those scarves and hats and gloves that got shoved in the closet when the first warm breeze of spring came a calling.
If you’re like me, you grew up with a bin full of knit and crochet goodness. There were a few things that had been made by my mother, by my grandmother, and even a precious scarf and hat set crocheted by my great grandmother.
Unfortunately, we’re not bringing THOSE to you today. No, today you get this.
It’s a scarf! It’s a kite! It’s a kite scarf!
In what can only be one of the most ill-conceived pieces I’ve ever seen, it’s a knitted kite. Hanging around this woman’s neck. Holy crap, my neck is SO much warmer now that I have that around my neck.
I’d call her a “poor woman”, but you’ll see in the last photo that I don’t care as much about her mental health or keeping warm as I maybe could.
Up next? This is what happens when you don’t trim the ivy growing on your walls.
Not only will it destroy the mortar holding the bricks together, but it will actually start to grow on YOU.
It wouldn’t seem so bad to me if it was more solid. Trailing flowers off one central piece. Instead, she just looks like she finally found a use for all that spool knitting her kids have done. Throwing it over her shoulder, and calling it fashion. Right.
Now, I have to admit. I like this scarf. This is whimsy done right. They’re crazy “can’t sleep, clowns will eat me” whimsy, and then there’s something you might actually wear outside. Around real people.
This is one of those things.
My only real problem here? It’s with the model.
Now, these are all from the same website, and for some reason, this was one of only a handful (under five) of photos that were in focus and clear. That’s what I’d use for a professional website, selling my designs. (call me crazy, but I gotta stick with that.)
Clearly, though, friends of the somebody, most likely the designer, were used as models. It explains why you see the same three or four people throughout all the designs. And why you get things like this happening.
Sweetie, I’m glad you know how to use the eyeliner. Eyeliner is your friend. That much eyeliner, however, is Tammy Faye Baker’s friend. Now, go wash that off before you go to school, or you’ll be grounded. And whatever you’ve done with your eyebrows? Don’t do it again.
The other problem? BUTTON YOUR SHIRT! Yes. I see your boobies. How nice for you that you have them. I have some too. And so does every other woman I know. Couldn’t the photo have been cropped just a weeeeeee bit more? Then we wouldn’t know that you are incapable of buying a shirt that fits. There’s a reason that I, and every woman I know with a large chest doesn’t wear button up shirts. You’re it.
Clearly, somebody is trying to capitolize on all this nationalistic patriotic fervor with a little something special in mind for all those Army wives left behind.
No big warm man to snuggle up to during this dark, lonely winter? That’s okay, we have just the ticket!
That’s right, it’s a winter coat! Made out of an army blanket! Whip up some sleeves, add a belt, and you now have a dashing fashion statement any loyal Army supporter-or homeless person-would be proud to wear!
Next time you’re looking for that super special winter coat, let your first thought be “Surplus Store”!
What The Hell Did You Make? 
