Put. Down. The Mohair.


I’m not kidding. Put it down. Right this second. Don’t MAKE me come over there.

I have to say right now that I first saw a couple of these (oh dear god, the jumpsuits) on What Not to Knit. I was suitably horrified, and left it at that.

But one of my friends and loyal readers, BooBear, emailed me the eBay site of this woman, Isobel the Mohair Knitter.
Really. I wish I could make this up.

Up first?  It doesn’t seem too bad.   Why, it’s a big green fuzzy sweater!  It looks warm, almost makes me want to take a nap in it.  Mmm, warm and fuzzy on a cold winter’s day.

.Green sweater

What’s that next?  Why, it’s a sweater dress.  In a wonderful shade of hot pink.

There seems to be a little something off about this, though.  There’s horrible tapering at the feet.  The model’s hands are obscured, as well.  That’s not so bad, I like long sleeves that help keep my hands warm.  But, um, isn’t she missing a little something?  Like most of her face?

hot pink sweater dress

Honestly, I usually just get a separate scarf, so I can take it off if I get hot inside somewhere.  At least this way, you know you won’t lose it.

Well now, what’s this?  Bad tapering-check.  Odd face swallowing neckline-check.

Hideous mutant tentacle hiding sleeves-che…wait a second.  And, is it just me, or are those  sleeves PUFFED at the top?  Or, what would be the top if they were in any way proportionate to the rest of this woman’s body?  Look closely, you can see the line right above where her wrists would be.  Y’know, if she were human.  And had wrists.

White sweater with long sleeves

Okay, let’s move on. Quickly.  Before Tentacle Girl unwraps all that extra sleevage and starts getting any ideas.

Oh, here’s something charming.  Mohair stockings.

orange stockings

Though, um, if they’re modeled by the same woman who models everything else her, she had better legs.  Thinner legs.  I wonder if there’s anywhere on there that actually says how many inches those things are adding to her thighs.

Keeping up the orange trend, here we come to that perennial wintertime favorite, the Balaclava.  Traditionally it’s a sort of hat/hood combination that keeps your head and neck warm.

This person is either really really cold, or is waiting for Zed to put him back in his trunk.

orange gimp balaclava

Considering that I’m saving some of the horror for another post, what can I do to wind things up here?

How about a little all-in-one action?  Sweater.  Mittens.  Face obscured.

bad cookie monster

And far be it for me to suggest that your bottom not match your top!

cookie monster legs

I think these pictures could be used by intelligence operatives to get rogue crafters to talk.

“Don’t want to tell me where you got the fiber, eh?  We’ll just see about that.  Hugo, bring out Big Blue”

“No!  Not Big Blue!  Anything but that!”



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19 Responses to “Put. Down. The Mohair.”

  1. T Says:

    Those aren’t sweaters, honey, they’re Arctic fetish gear. The balaclava-thing? It’s a sensory deprivation hood- designed to limit your sight and hearing (and in this case to add a feeling of suffocation). The white thing is obviously a straight jacket- that’s why the arms are so long!

    Aside from the SM/BD crowd, I wonder who she gets orders from? Aspiring Muppets?

  2. Kim Says:

    You know, if these pieces don’t take off as SM/BD toys (I agree with T), then perhaps she can pitch them as weight-loss tools. Heaven knows I lost a couple of pounds from sweating while I was only looking at the pictures! I can’t believe she wants $600 for one of these things!

    BTW, thanks for not posting the picture of the “willy warmer.” It’s too much…

  3. cute_anarchy Says:

    Mmm, fuzzy Mohair bondage, for those arctic muppets with unique sexual facinations…. Dear god, my eyes!

  4. CN DelRay Says:

    T-oh, you’re so right. The next time I’m trekking across the tundra, I’m totally going the all-over route.

    Kim-My exact same thought. Every one of those pictures, I keep thinking “Wow, no wonder she has a cranky expression, that has to be really freaking hot.”
    And those Willy Warmers just disturb me.

    Cute A-It’s time to tie up Elmo! It’s time to whip him right! It’s time to get things started in the Muppet Dungeon of Naughty Naughty Things tonight!

  5. Céline Says:

    UNBELIEVABLE!

  6. Morris Says:

    There are literaly thousands, and I mean at least 6,000, …and thats just folks with computers, who totaly enjoy all the Mohair sweaters , and accessories pictured here!!
    Some people get turned on by “leather, rubber, stockings , suspenders, etc , “… so dont judge others , just because you think it is wierd !!
    And when winter arrives , all the Mohair fetishistswill be totally cozy and snuggly warm !!!….. and you’ll be freezing your Butts off .. Ha ha !

  7. s Says:

    i have had a fetish for wool clothing all my life and this lady really turns me on . i only wish she showed more semi bondage photos on her site. There is nothing like a lady in sexy wool clothing , for those of us with a wool fetish shes a godess.

  8. Matthias Says:

    The first sweater shows actually no clear signals comparing with the others following.
    Fetishism is not a crime, its a way to transport sexual signals and contents in the mind of some men.
    The end of human imagination is not the end of the world. Fetishism is just an other way to enter the sexual world.
    Mohair is a common fetish. We are not ill! We take other ways to transport our sexuality. We need for example mohair to stimulate ourselves. For us, mohair is sending a powerful erotic and sexual signal.

    Greetings

    Matthias from Germany

  9. mike Says:

    cn delray sounds like they are a little short on the live and let live way of life . Sounds like they subscribe to the live like I do way of life. I am a wool person!. Just because you dont like something how dare you blog about your short mental vision through attacking some thing you dont like. No matter how hard you try you will never make the world in your image friend. “LIVE & LET LIVE!!. It wworks better. Im a bottom and you sound like an ass go figure that out while your re-making the world in your image. Fuzzy days to you!.

  10. C N Delray Says:

    Wow. Put down the vitriol, Mike!
    This post? To be honest, it’s not a knock against any sort of fetishist. It’s a knock against really bad knitwear. Nowhere in the post-and I just reread it to refresh my memory-does it say anything against any sort of fetish. It says that I think they’re ridonkulous, but that’s just my opinion. If you enjoy the feel of mohair or wool? Awesome. I knit with wool, too. Just not like this.
    Me, I am usually overheated. And I grew up in Alaska, so to be constantly too hot in Alaska? Kinda sucks. Just looking at these makes me sweat a little. That’s all I can think of, looking at these, is how freaking hot I would be, no matter the temperature.
    So, now, all you wool fetishists? Go back to what you love, and be comforted by the knowledge that I don’t care what you do, if it makes you happy and is consensual with adults. It may not be my cup of tea, and I may not want to hear blow by blow details, but I’m fine with just about anything that follows the two rules above.

  11. ZERGER308 Says:

    I LOVE EM THET ARE UNREAL WOULD LIKE 2 FIND PEOPLE WHO ARE INTO THEM IN AUSTRALIA! ANY 1?

  12. m Says:

    where did u get these? I do marketing for knitters- anyone I can help?

  13. m Says:

    can we talk sweaters?
    do you sell your knit goods?
    please write me (anyone)

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