Seriously? I don’t know what to say about these. For reals. They scare me. They make me feel all sweaty and hot just looking at a picture of them being worn in the sunlight.
It’s like an sensory deprivation chamber. In a really thick mohair/wool combination.
A multicolor Wookie.
Doesn’t she look unhappy to be modeling these? Smile! You have on hundreds of dollars of yarn! Soft warm yarn! Though, I have to admit, the waist tie? Me no likee that much.
This just…it…what do you say about this? I can’t find the proper words to describe quite how this makes me feel. I really have to just take Nancy Reagan’s advice with this one and just say no, since all my other words keep getting all tangled up, in their bid to be the proper description.
There are oh-so-many things that seem like a good idea at the time.
Like this. “I know, I want something that is big and warm and cuddly for those times when I just feel like I need a hug. But I’ll leave out the midsection, for those days when I’m bloated, and don’t need any added pressure there.
I give you, the PMS sweater.
Up next is a kicky little vest that…well…words are escaping me. I’m sure it’s very easy to make, except I’m not sure what side joins to which. Which ends are seamed-shoulders or sides?
Somehow, I think the answer is too complex for me right now.
This? This is for those pesky in-between-weather days. When you want to show off your arms in a tank top, but it’s not quite warm enough to justify it.
I’d also like to point out that those side holes off the shoulder? If she has her hands down and leans over, you will be able to wave to friends standing on her other side. Wear a bra you’re proud of with this one, ladies. Trust me on that.
This sweater, it’s almost okay. Can you spot the problem?
The latest in holiday fashion.
This? This will cover up any sort of weight faux pas, from overindulging in fruitcake to that lost weekend you spent with that guy who sort of looked like a Backstreet Boy 4 months ago, and man, you really wish you’d gotten his number, because you’ve got quite a little holiday surprise for him.
This pattern is from 2005. Oh, how I wish I were kidding.
You may remember this from the Spring ‘o5 Issue of Knitty.
I’ll be honest. When I wear a cardigan, it’s for two reasons. Cold arms. And cold shoulders.
Somehow, the fattiest part of my body, the part right around my heart where there is the best circulation? Doesn’t really need that much help in the heating department.
My other issue? WTF is up with those arms? Does she look like Popeye underneath there? Is that the reason for all the excess fabric?
Inquiring minds want to know.
If you’re a dancer in a remake of “Baby Got Back”.
Otherwise, you fall prey to this.
I like the fabric. The dress looks very comfortable.
I do not like that the back panel basically says “Check out how gigantic my butt is! And I’m a size 6!”
Maybe without the high contrast of the panels, or a wee bit different placement? It wouldn’t have ended up here.
Look! At! Mah! Booty! (Must be said in bad Scottish accent)
This is an art project.
Because really, this many seams would NOT be condusive to heat retention.
Though, it does make me think of Transformers. Robots in disguise, y’know.
I’m not kidding. Put it down. Right this second. Don’t MAKE me come over there.
I have to say right now that I first saw a couple of these (oh dear god, the jumpsuits) on What Not to Knit. I was suitably horrified, and left it at that.
But one of my friends and loyal readers, BooBear, emailed me the eBay site of this woman, Isobel the Mohair Knitter.
Really. I wish I could make this up.
Up first? It doesn’t seem too bad. Why, it’s a big green fuzzy sweater! It looks warm, almost makes me want to take a nap in it. Mmm, warm and fuzzy on a cold winter’s day.
.
What’s that next? Why, it’s a sweater dress. In a wonderful shade of hot pink.
There seems to be a little something off about this, though. There’s horrible tapering at the feet. The model’s hands are obscured, as well. That’s not so bad, I like long sleeves that help keep my hands warm. But, um, isn’t she missing a little something? Like most of her face?
Honestly, I usually just get a separate scarf, so I can take it off if I get hot inside somewhere. At least this way, you know you won’t lose it.
Well now, what’s this? Bad tapering-check. Odd face swallowing neckline-check.
Hideous mutant tentacle hiding sleeves-che…wait a second. And, is it just me, or are those sleeves PUFFED at the top? Or, what would be the top if they were in any way proportionate to the rest of this woman’s body? Look closely, you can see the line right above where her wrists would be. Y’know, if she were human. And had wrists.
Okay, let’s move on. Quickly. Before Tentacle Girl unwraps all that extra sleevage and starts getting any ideas.
Oh, here’s something charming. Mohair stockings.
Though, um, if they’re modeled by the same woman who models everything else her, she had better legs. Thinner legs. I wonder if there’s anywhere on there that actually says how many inches those things are adding to her thighs.
Keeping up the orange trend, here we come to that perennial wintertime favorite, the Balaclava. Traditionally it’s a sort of hat/hood combination that keeps your head and neck warm.
This person is either really really cold, or is waiting for Zed to put him back in his trunk.
Considering that I’m saving some of the horror for another post, what can I do to wind things up here?
How about a little all-in-one action? Sweater. Mittens. Face obscured.
And far be it for me to suggest that your bottom not match your top!
I think these pictures could be used by intelligence operatives to get rogue crafters to talk.
“Don’t want to tell me where you got the fiber, eh? We’ll just see about that. Hugo, bring out Big Blue”
“No! Not Big Blue! Anything but that!”
